Monday, September 21, 2009

I'm just me.

The last few months have been hard for me. I have been in a slump...or valley...or whatever you want to call it. It hasn't been constant. I have had mountain moments but overall I have felt far away, not just from God but from my family and even from myself if that makes any sense. I would like to begin the next sentence with "It all started when..." and give some example of some reason that this valley came to be but I can't do that. See it didn't happen overnight. It didn't occur one weekend. It was a slow fade. I was right in the center of God's will when I checked and then I got busy and distracted and looked up and realized I had moved...I was no longer at "the spot where the honey falls out" (as my Dad puts it.) I looked around and at first I thought where did you go God? Instantly I realized He never changes, He never leaves me, He never walks away. It's always me that moves. I hate being wrong, I hate being the one who messed up, the sinner. Oh I know that we all fall short of the glory of God but sometimes I feel like I do it better than anyone. Sin is sin and one sin is no bigger or smaller than another. So I don't mean that I commit "bigger" or "greater" sin than the next person. What I mean is that I find myself in sin so many times when what I long to do is serve God and please my heavenly father. My flesh is selfish. That is the main problem. I want to do what I want to do. I hate that part of me.

Paul said it best when he said: Romans 7:18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me." I want to be all God wants me to be. It took me a long time to say that. But now I truly do want what he has for me. But I know my God and he expects me to overcome sin with His grace and help. He wants me to stop giving in to "the sin that dwells within me". I am more than a conqueror through him. We all are.

Why is it important to keep striving to do what is right? Why is it important to fight against our sin nature? Because if we don't then we will live a defeated life. If we try to hide who we truly are from God then it is impossible to enjoy our life. My friend Bunnie died last Sunday. She had a long battle with cancer and through it all if I had to find one word to describe her it would be VICTORIOUS. She was not defeated and she didn't live her life like someone who was. She didn't hide who she was from God, she enjoyed her life. She loved her Christian walk. She loved to worship God and read her bible. She decided, with God's help, what was right for her. She didn't need anyone else to give her a long list of legalism to follow. (I pity any fool who might have tried!) She knew that her God loved her. All of her, not just the parts that were considered "Godly". He loved the part of her that liked to put on Motown and dance. He liked the parts of her that took her daughter on her first honeymoon after the wedding was called off and spent the week showing her that life was by no means over. He loved the part of her that none of us even knew about the parts of her that she might rather be left hidden. She loved Him and He loved her. That is the kind of life I want. I want to be me. Completely and totally me. I don't care if everyone likes me. I don't care if I fit your mold, I don't care if I offend the "religious". I know that to be accepted by God I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be me. I am going to enjoy being me. So who am I? I like to dance too...maybe not to Motown but some Seger will work. I love my kids, I love my husband. I love girls night's out with Tara. I love the color Pink. But most of all I love Him and He loves me. (pic above on right is Bunnie in high school)

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